Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
