I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
