im drinking this country out of the recession.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
