i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
