Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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