You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
