dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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