A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
