Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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