i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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