There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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