Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
