I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
