I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
