You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
