Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
