that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That accounts for only three of the penises
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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