I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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