Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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