i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
