He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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