I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize