farters have to be the big spoon...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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