Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Redeem this text for a blowjob
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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