I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
