Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
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At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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