she looked like the before picture.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
