Someone shit on the floor
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
