he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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