right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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