i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Can I color on your dick again?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize