After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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