last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
MIDGETS
????
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
