Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize