Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
