i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
