she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just blew my weed a kiss
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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