I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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