I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
