oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
