OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
