Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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