I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
