I accidentally burped into my bong.
only you would photoshop your dick
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
