So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
