he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
