I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
