apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
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Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions