I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.