Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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