I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
