My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
