I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sober January is a disaster.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
