i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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