Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
