Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
