i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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