How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
